How to buy some bugs...

Before you assume that this column details how some cultures consume bugs, it is not. Nor is it about how to snag a six-legged deal on Amazon. And it certainly doesn't cover a listing of my favorite insects ... especially since bugs are not my thing. They were once, but only since the available biological field classes at my alma mater were so limited. Back then, I knew bunches of things about bugs, including the fact that not all insects were bugs … yet all bugs were insects. And that's the confusion that happens when there's a million of something. So, I thought that this week I would return to my roots … or using insect humor, my nymphal stage … and attempt to do a bit of insect organization. Lucky for me, some guy named Carl von Linne, perhaps a bit better known as Carolus Linnaeus, did this a few years back. He's the guy who took every living thing and gave them a two-part "scientific" name … you know, genus and species. But more than that, he organized life using five other levels of organization. Yes, Linnaeus is the cursed naturalist who forced us to burn Kingdom, Phylum, Class, Order, Family, Genus, Species deep into our cerebral memory bank. And he is the one who made the order, and relationships, of living things make sense. When it comes to insects, the level called "Order" is best for grouping and starting to understand insects. The million-plus different insects that inhabit Earth are grouped into just 30 different Orders. Of these, about a third of them are actually quite familiar to most of us. We just may have not known it before. So, here's some of the common insect orders... SIPHONAPTERA With a name starting with "siphon" these insects have to suck, and they do in every conceivable way. But they can jump, too, and they tend to be attracted to the circus. Any ideas? Siphonaptera are the fleas. Fleas are tiny, laterally flat, insects that lack wings. To make up for their inability to fly, fleas are the world's best jumpers … most leaping well over 100 times their body length. (Imagine a 6-foot human leaping over 600 feet in a single bound!) Fleas do have the need for blood, which they gather with their "piercing and sucking" mouthparts. As with most blood-suckers, they readily transmit diseases when they dine. MANTODEA Perhaps the easiest Order to remember…Mantodea are mantids, like the praying mantis. BLATTODEA This is the Order of the cockroaches which, in itself, makes it an Order to know and probably hate. But recently, termites were added to this Order, which probably made it all the worse. But give cockroaches their due. They have scurried upon Earth for over 300 million years. This means that they were around well before the dinosaurs and still exist well after them. And termites don't just eat wood; they eat wood as an organized society. That's pretty awesome ... and pretty frightening (except to exterminators). ODONATA This is the Order of dragons and damsels, as in dragonflies and damselflies. These largish aerialists tend to patrol wetlands on their four large and clear wings. They are one of the best examples of the magnitude of transformation that insects experience during their lifetimes. Odonatids lay eggs in water. These eggs then that hatch into ravenous … and quite alien-looking … crawlers that terrorize everything from other insects to tadpoles to fish. Yet, after a series of nymphal stages, they rise to the surface and literally crack out of their exoskeletons into the flying gems we are familiar with. HEMIPTERA These are the bugs … the true bugs … and the only bugs! Their forewings are leathery, and their mouths are designed for sucking plant juices. The stink bug is, unfortunately, notable. HYMENOPTERA Ouch! This might be the most painful of the insect Orders. These are the wasps, hornets, bees and ants. Yes, ants! If you think about it and if you paint some yellow stripes on them and give them wings, ants do look a lot like wasps or hornets. And like them, many ants sting. Ants, like fire ants, can use their formidable mandibles to painfully clamp onto their victims, but it is their modified ovipositors that deliver the highly excruciating sting. Still, many hymenopterans are beneficial as they provide a wide variety of pollination services. Moreover, their collection and modification of flower nectar provides one of the most amazing and sought after foods in the world -- that being honey. ORTHROPTERA This Order sings and dances, or more accurately, sings and hops. Orthopterans are the grasshoppers, crickets and katydids. COLEOPTERA Coleopterans could best be summed up as polished and populus. These are the beetles and they form the largest Order in the world of insects. By some estimates, there are nearly 400,000 different beetles. Most all of them have two pairs of wings, with the front pair being hard and shiny and very often brightly colored. These forewings do not aid in flight but protect the hindwings. The hindwings are surprisingly large, and to see them fold up after a flight and then to be covered with the forewings is a surprising delight. Perhaps the most symbolic example of this Order is the ladybug, which is a coleopteran and not a hemipteran. My favorite, however, is the firefly. DIPTERA "Oh waiter, what's this Dipteran doing in my soup?" Yes, Dipterans are flies (and they may fly backwards, but they don't do the backstroke!) Flies are wickedly diverse, and they are equally diversely wicked. Disease carrying is a specialty for flies, especially the ones that have piercing and sucking mouthparts. But equally scary, and disgusting, are the ones that feed on garbage and manure and then land on the rim of your cup. Flies transform through classic or complete metamorphosis, and their larval form, aka the maggot, induces assumptions of filth and occasionally vomit. LEPIDOPTERA How about a group of insects that most people actually like? Moreover, many people go to great lengths to attract? Then look no further than the butterflies and moths. While not all of them are beautiful, a large portion of them are simply flying jewels. Their large wings are covered with scales whose bold colors and patterns create some of the most familiar, and perhaps beautiful, animals on Earth. Moreover, many of their larval forms are well known for their beauty … and sometimes their voracious appetites!