Good Natured: Now on the clock, Mother Nature...

DRAFT DAY by Gary S. Gerrone During the 2015 Super Bowl, a non-profit advertisement assemblage found a way to generate a few million dollars to place an ad during the first quarter of the game. More than that, they also found a talented team to write one of the most remembered and effective ads ever aired. The group — Avocados From Mexico — created the scenario that the Earth was hosting its first-ever draft, and that all the countries on Earth were starting from scratch. In the ad, Australia naturally chose the kangaroo, Madagascar chose the lemur, and the U.S. chose wheat, (and the Browns chose the T. rex as a quarterback). But Mexico startled everyone by choosing the avocado. Upon the selection, commentators Doug Flutie and Jerry Rice hesitated, but then praised the choice. As a result, imports of avocados into the U.S. more than doubled over the next few years. Holy guacamole! Well, yesterday was the start of the NFL Draft and with that -- and avocados -- in mind, I got to thinking ... let's assume that the U.S. is having a Nature Draft Day. With all of the states in their current natural condition, what would they select to improve the nature of their environment? Round 1 Arizona selects water (which goes bust in two years as exploding urban sprawl consumes it all.) Utah attempts to select snow, but is told that snow is really just frozen water and Arizona already selected water. So, Utah trades its pick to California. California selects clean air. (Solid pick!) Michigan selects the wolverine (and now things make a little more sense at the University of Michigan … at least until someone mentions their helmets.) Rhode Island selects the passenger pigeon and installs it as their new state bird. (Citizens are infuriated, especially when the selection team states that this allows the state to move away from the current non-native, and not at all wild, Rhode Island Red. The committee is reminded of the passenger pigeon's status as extinct just before they are all dismissed.) Ohio selects the black bear, stating that just allowing them to slowly wander into (and probably out of) Ohio is a poor form of wildlife management. Round 2 Utah, in response to California's first round selection, attempts to "one up" them by selecting the polar bear. All international wildlife organizations team to block the selection. Utah trades its selection to Virginia who excitedly, and properly, selects the red wolf. Arkansas selects the ivory-billed woodpecker. (While asked to reconsider, Arkansas says they have a good feeling.) (Let's hope they do!) Florida selects the American flamingo. (Critics breathe a sigh of relief as they were certain they would choose the anaconda!) Kentucky chooses the nine-banded armadillo. (They figure it's gonna happen anyway.) New Hampshire selects the limpkin. (With the notable wandering of this bird, they wish to see one before Vermont or Maine ... but strangely, Nova Scotia already has had a sighting ... but they are in the CFL, so it doesn't count!) Ohio chooses the elk (all states adjoining Ohio have successfully reintroduced elk.) Round 3 Minnesota, following Michigan's lead, selects the golden gopher ... only to find that no such animal exists. Momentary consideration to change the university's mascot to plains pocket gopher is dismissed, mostly due to the number of letters, and the state settles on Canada lynx. (Fans are ecstatic, but an immediate petition is filled to change the university's mascot.) Texas selects the ocelot, stating that this adorable little cat will bring much needed "cute" to Texas. (Protest is filed by whooping cranes.) Idaho selects the southern mountain caribou (and nobody says anything.) Utah becomes so overwhelmed with trade requests that it simply blurts out "dinosaurs." No one really knows how or why, but the selection is accepted. Georgia selects the black-crest elimia. (The room is filled with soft and questioning discussion before someone figures out it is an endangered snail, and then the room erupts in applause.) Ohio selects the greater prairie-chicken and does so without any discussion of changing its state bird. (Plans to create, extend and manage the bird's habitat have already been drawn up.) Round 4 Kansas selects eastern spotted skunk. (Nearly all media headlines state that this selection stinks, while Kansas wildlife officials hope this to be true.) Illinois selects the wetland bird common gallinule. (Those in the southern part of the state applaud the selection; those in the north: "it's kind of a funny name for an endangered species.") (Note: The bird's scientific name is Gallinula galeata, which is really funny.) Utah, in response to Rhode Island's state bird selection, chooses black-billed magpie, but is quickly reminded that the bird is already quite common in the state. Still, they stick to their selection and immediately replace the California gull with the black-billed magpie as their state bird to eliminate decades of confusion. South Dakota selects the mountain goat. (Washington state files grievance.) Iowa selects the bigroot pricklypear. (This is seen by many as a solid, but thorny, selection.) On a trade from Indiana, Oklahoma selects the Indiana bat. (Indiana was quoted as saying that they never saw this coming.) Maine selects the ringed boghaunter. (All in attendance are aghast, but when they find out it is a dragonfly they are just confused since the Pine Barrens Zanclognatha seemed like the obvious choice.) (BTW: It's a moth!) Ohio selects porcupine. (No one else would touch this selection.) Supplementary round Utah selects the black rosy-finch. (Utah's whole draft is saved by this outstanding selection.) Overview That's a lot of silly stuff, but actually I used many species that are extirpated, or endangered, to most states. Thus, the selections bring to light their actual needs. I was especially honest in this respect with Ohio. Our state has a long and well-regarded history with both game and non-game species programs. It is my sincere hope that this record continues. And as for the Browns draft selections, well, time will tell. (But the problem with this is that sometimes time is measured in just a few seconds!)